It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing!

So I'm sitting in West Palm Beach airport after an amazing few days at Club Med in Florida for AshFest. I think the event was a success - everyone seemed to have an amazing time. I wrote the following after the first day but didn't have a good internet connection so I saved it......

Day 1 AshFest
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I left my room at 9:30 in search of breakfast. On my way to the restaurant I found Andy participating in a yoga class among the palm trees. He was twisted into an unusually uncomfortable looking position. I was impressed by how long he was holding the posture until I realised he was just stuck. I joined in the class. Only when we'd finished did I realise that missing the first half meant I'd only worked on one side. I ended up walking in circles for the rest of the day.

After breakfast I went with Muddy in search of the tennis courts. On the way we passed the circus tent and I popped my head in to ask when we could come and have a go on the trapeze. They said it was pretty quiet and now was as good a time as any.

We were told to remove our shoes and if we had any sun screen on our arms to wash it off. One of the instructors then came and gave us a verbal run through of what we were going to do. It went something like this....

You'll climb up the ladder. When you reach the first red step swing round to the other side and climb up the inside. When you reach the second red step put your right arm out, grab, the rope, step across to the platform with your right foot, then with your left foot (unless you have two left feet in which case put your left foot first), then grab the rope with your right hand [...these instructions came without any pauses or time for me to soak them up. It was reminiscent of asking for driving directions from a stranger - I usually shut off after "take the second left" and figure I'll just ask someone else when I've made that turn. In that situation I know after the second left I'll still be sitting in my car but here I figured I'd be hanging from my legs from a bar 30ft in the air and that would probably make it more difficult to really focus on the instructions. I tried to pay attention but he'd already moved way ahead....] Spread your feet shoulder width apart, lean forward while holding the rope with your left hand, put your right hand out and grab the bar. When I say "hep" take a small jump forward, grab the bar with your left hand and swing. When I say "legs up" bring your legs up between your hands and hook them over the bar [...up until this point I'd assumed day 1 would be about climbing the ladder, day 2 would be swinging with the hands and somewhere towards the end of our stay I'd be hooking my legs on there...] squeeze and when I say "hands off" let go with your hands [...what!?...] stretch out and arch your back. When I say "hands on" come up and grab the bar with your hands again. When I say "legs off" unhook your legs and lower them again [...I was just about keeping up with this and thought I could handle it...] Then you're going to swing your legs forward really hard, then backwards, then forwards again and on this swing you'll tuck your knees up, let go with your hands, do a back flip and land on the net.

"I'm sorry, can you say that last bit again? I thought I was following you but I must have misheard. I thought you said I was going to let go and do a back flip"

"yep. That's what I said"

"This is the beginner's class isn't it? What if I land on my head?"

"You'll be fine"

At this point I looked over at Muddy who was now sitting on the bench. I think at "climb up the ladder" he'd decided he'd be a spectator for today.

I didn't want to look soft so I walked over to the ladder. I asked if there was something I was supposed to clip onto - a kind of safety rope in case I fell off the ladder. There wasn't.

I climbed up the thinnest ladder I've ever seen. It seemed much higher when I was climbing up it. I got up to the platform and the guy up there clipped something onto my safety belt. I leant forward as instructed and grabbed the bar with my right hand. He gave the command and I jumped and grabbed the bar with the left. Did the legs thing and hung upside down. Realised that if you got the timing wrong you nearly fell off. I think I let out an unintentional four letter word. On the instruction I reached up and grabbed the bar again bringing my legs back down.

So far so good. Now I just had to do a back flip dismount. This was the bit I was worried about. I figured I just had to go with it and followed his instructions. As I let go of the bar I backflipped and suddenly everything seemed to go in slow motion. I thought maybe that's what happens when you're about to die. Turns out they lowered me down on the safety harness. So that's how come you don't land on your head. I wish they'd told me that before I went up.

I was pleased with my performance and had another go. As we were leaving the guy told me if I came back at 4:15 then I'd be ready to do a catch. I wasn't sure whether I'd be doing the catching or would be being caught. He was a very well built bloke - probably twice my weight. I certainly didn't fancy holding his weight from my legs. I had a gig to play and I needed them to be attached to my body. It turned out I was sound checking at 4:15 but I'm intending to do it before we leave.

I was pleased with myself all day for going on the trapeze. My self congratulatory mood lost its edge when I saw a sign with minimum age requirements for various activities. You had to be 8 to have a tennis lesson but you could go on the trapeze at 4 years old!

Oh well. It was a fun experience....

J

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So, as I'm now sitting in the airport I obviously survived a few days of trapezing. On the second day I went back it was too wet to try the catch. On the third day, after ingesting a few pints of lake water in an attempt to wake board I headed back over to the trapeze. Here's what happened......